One day my friend Jackie said, “Let’s go to the bar! I’m meeting a few friends after work.” And one of those friends was Blair. During that spontaneous meeting, he invited us over to his mum’s ranch in Port Perry for the weekend. We said, “Sure!” And that was the beginning of our friendship.
I met Barb that weekend. She was easygoing. She was welcoming and made us feel like she had known us forever. We went on Saturday and came back on Sunday, so we spent the whole day with her. And one thing about Barb was that if you went over there, you had chores to do! She wasn’t afraid to put people to work. There was this whole routine that you had to go through, where you feed the horses, you brush them and then you go on a horse ride. Then you go on the ATV. That was like the “Barb experience.” It was fun.
When we went for that first visit, Barb being Barb, she was asking questions. I had already booked my trip home, so I was talking about it, but it was still three or four months away. After I came back from Port Perry I told one of my good friends about the ranch because they like camping and that kind of stuff, so I said, “You have to check out this place. It’s amazing!” So they went, and during that trip, that’s when Barb said to my friend, “Do you think I could ask Rose if I can go with her to Zimbabwe?”
My friend said, “It never hurts to try, why don’t you just ask?” So Barb gave me a ring and she said, “I know you’re going home and I’m thinking I would like to come with you. Is that ok?” And I said, “Sure.”
It’s funny because I didn’t have any hesitation or anything like that. I always feel there’s this excitement to show people where I come from, just to dispel some of the myths and stereotypes. So I was excited for her to come and see the other side of things. But then I realized I’d said yes and it’s not my house… I was planning to stay at my grandma’s. So I had to call my grandma and say, “I have a friend here who wants to come with me, is that ok?” And she said, “Yes.” And then I was like, “Oh shit, I have to ask my Auntie Brenda because she’s the one who financially supports my grandma.” So I asked my aunt and she said, “The more the merrier!”
I wasn’t expecting that from them. I think that’s why I called first. So it was a new thing for all of us. She was my first, and she has been my only guest.
Before we left, we slept at the ranch because Blair was driving us to the airport the next morning. She hadn’t really packed anything when we got there. A friend of mine back home was doing a backpack drive for school children and Barb had gone to Walmart and bought like 20 backpacks. So her suitcase was full of backpacks, hats and other little things that she thought people might need, instead of her clothing. She just threw in four or five outfits.
We flew via the States, which is horrible. I will never do it again. While we were waiting to board the plane there, this white guy was smiling towards me from miles away. Barb said, “Oh, I think he likes you.” So she pretended to go to the washroom and by the time she came back this guy was sitting next to me. We were just having a conversation because he was going to South Africa and was from Michigan, but Barb said, “Oh I knew this was going to happen!” and started taking pictures of me and this guy! We made a friend. On the plane, she met another lady she ended up being best friends with, too. They were sitting next to each other and drinking wine all the way to South Africa. That flight was about 12 or 14 hours.
We got to South Africa and my cousin picked up. The rules are very different there. You can carry people on your lap and it’s not as strict as over here. We got into the car and she said, “Oh I’m definitely somewhere else!” Welcome to Africa.
Then we went to my cousin’s home and she fell in love with her son. Everything became about Raymond. He was six or seven at the time, but we went to the supermarket and Raymond was picking what we were eating. Raymond had Barb’s heart and so Raymond got to do everything. They exchanged numbers and even after she left they tried to keep in contact.
We stayed in Johannesburg for a couple of days before we went to Cape Town. One morning Barb left with my cousin and they said, “We will come and get you so we can pick up Raymond from school and you can see where he goes to school.” So I took a nap and shower, but they were gone all day. And they came back at 6 p.m. and I said, “I have been waiting all day for you guys!”
They had picked Raymond up and Barb was having conferences with his teachers. Then they had also gone to Soweto — it’s like the ghetto, you just don't go there unless you're from there and you know the area. But my cousin had taken her to Soweto and she loved it. She said, “We were running around and your cousin told me, ‘If you see me running just run with me!”’ She was in love with the place.
Next, we went to Capetown and we stayed in a bed and breakfast. Of course, she compared it with her bed and breakfast, but they didn’t provide hot breakfast. “Mine is way better!” she said. And I agreed.
When we were there, a cousin of mine and his friend were our tour guides, driving us to places. Of course, she fell in love with them, too. They were 20 and 21 and in university and they became her boys. She would say, “When are we seeing my boys? When are my boys coming to pick us up?”
The boys showed us around in Cape town and we left to fly to Bulawayo on the day Mandela died. I remember my cousin and his friend were driving us to the airport in Johannesburg when they told us the news. It changed the mood in the car. There was a sad, sombre feeling. But it was nice to be there for that, I wasn’t just seeing it through the TV, I was experiencing it with other people there.
We went to a few different places because I wanted to make it a tourist adventure for Barb. I wanted her to get that South Africa experience. But you know what? Barb was an easy person.
That’s what I loved about her. I didn’t have to entertain her 24/7. I just planned the day and she got along with everyone we met. I could dump her anywhere and she would be fine and make friends. Barb stayed for two weeks and I had two extra weeks after she left, but after she went home, everyone — and I mean everyone — was like, “Oh, we miss Barbara.” We had so much fun. There was never a moment when I wished I hadn’t brought her.
Next, we went to see my grandmother. Barb already had the lowdown on my grandmother from me so I think she came in with a little judgement, but they seemed to genuinely enjoy each other's company and get along. They were close in age, Barb was maybe four years older.
No one thought anything of the age difference between me and Barb. I will also put it that she was a white woman, so there was all this excitement and curiosity. Within my family, it wasn’t such a big thing that she was white. Where we lived wasn’t in the suburbs, it was a low-density neighbourhood so we used to have a couple of white people in the area, but it’s not the norm. So we had kids coming to the gate wanting to see her. But she was oblivious to all that. I remember we went for a walk around the neighbourhood and she was asking questions out of curiosity and not judgment.
We already had a trip to Victoria Falls planned because if you’re in Zimbabwe, you have got to go to Victoria Falls. We drove there and on the way, the car was giving us trouble. It was me, my grandma, Barb and my uncle who was driving us, because the roads can be very difficult. About halfway through they asked if we should turn back. I said, “Nope, let’s keep going, because if we turn back, who knows when we are going to be able to plan this trip and Barbara has limited time.” So we kept going and we reached Victoria Falls and our car just burst into flames.
It had overheated. We were like “Ok, we’re here though. That’s good.” We slowly got out of the car and called the mechanic back home who knew someone in Victoria falls. We took a cab to the lodge and someone came to pick up the car to fix it.
While there, we signed up for some excursions. Barb did walking with the lions and we took another one where you eat different kinds of food, like game meat and local cuisine. She loved it there. She just had this sense about her that she fit in. She didn’t see herself as being an outsider.
She had brought with her this outfit, a traditional African print two-piece, she was wearing it a lot and she said, “Oh I thought everyone would be wearing this kind of thing.” She also had a rattan bag that was Afrikaans, and she was expecting everyone to have bags like that. When people were carrying leather bags in Westernized styles she was surprised. But she looked great and everyone just thought, “What’s up with Barb’s outfit?” And I said, “Well she thinks everyone here wears this and she came prepared.” She was prepared to fit in.
I took her on a trip to the country so she could see the country living — the mud houses — and because she’s Barbara, everyone loved her and they gave her a chicken. But when my grandma killed the chicken to cook it, Barb refused to eat it because she had named it. I thought that was interesting. Even when my grandmother was killing it outside underneath the mango tree, she was like, “No, I can’t do this. I can’t watch it.”
My mum lives in South Africa so at the end of the year she would send groceries. Massive amounts. Pails of food. Barb was there when it arrived and my grandmother was carrying it into the house. Barb said, “No, no, no, Rose. You sit down, I got this.” And I’m thinking, she’s older than my grandma. She should have been the one being told to sit down. But if you looked at them, Barb had more strength than my grandmother.
Everywhere we went she wanted to pay for everything and I said, “You’re here to enjoy yourself!” Some of the culture she was blown away by and some aspects of it there was a realization that it's not that different from Canada really.
She became a very big part of my life. When I was graduating from my undergrad she asked me to get her a ticket. When my family came over, like my aunt, we would go to visit Barb. They had their own relationship. So when she passed away, I had to tell people in South Africa and Zimbabwe. I wasn't the only one who was heartbroken. My family was heartbroken.
The one thing she always said was that she admired my strength and resilience. That was her big thing. To be honest, I feel like that trip was the best foundation of our relationship. To me, she was not “Barbara.” She was always “Mum.”
As told to Alex Laws.